I find prayer difficult.

Maybe, though, not in the way that you think.

Environment, I’ve got nailed. I have my prayer corner at home, I have my rosaries, decade rings, holding cross. I have books for reflections and the Catechism and the Bible all close at hand. I have my statues of Our Lady and St Joseph and between them a crucifix. I have my icons. I’m all set.

Routine? Not a problem. I have my routines set on Hallow and I’m now 150 days deep into daily prayer. Whilst I do not always dedicate the same amount of time to prayer and I miss some, there are others that I ensure I complete each day. I am grateful to Saint Ignatius for his famous and incredible Fifth Rule: “…in time of desolation never make a change, but be firm and constant in the proposals and determination…” Even if I don’t feel like it, I make sure that I turn up, safe in the knowledge that once I am there, I will be held.

Both of these things help to make sure that I find the time to ‘properly pray’. To set myself aside. I love the words of Saint Paul that one should ‘…pray at every opportunity in the Spirit’, and I do try and find opportunities to send my attention Heavenwards in times of lull, rather than towards a phone.

My biggest challenge is that I find it hard sometimes to focus. I find it hard to know what to say. There is a great deal that can be learned and gained from following set prayers, but it can also be limiting. I find the problem at home as at Church or anywhere else. When it is just me, just my thoughts and my own prayers, I never know what to say.

I find it useful to follow the Our Father, adding statements after each in recognition. Starting with praise and thanks. But, as a person of great anxiety, often the thoughts at the very top of my mind are my own fears and worries. I then immediately lose my way, looping guiltily back to praise and then fighting the urge to go back to listing all of the things that I think I need.

The rosary has undoubtably helped me grow spiritually in this regard. In particular, reflections on the agony in the Garden. When I don’t quite know what to say, or how to say it, I try instead to take a place next to Jesus in the garden and simply be with Him. And to repeat, as He said; ‘…not my will, but Your will be done’.

If you are experiencing spiritual desolation, or if you are finding prayer challenging, please know that I am praying for you. You will, one way or another, find what you are looking for.